enai - grace and love

almost over

2008-08-15T02:56:00.000-07:00

"it's almost over.... it's almost over" isx the phrase that keeps repeating in my mind... I'm running towards the finish line.. to be honest... this is crazy and I'm only sneaking in a little time to post this before I have to rush and finish everything else I have to do.

Too vague to explain.. suffice to say I'm @!#$%^&*( excited about returning in 4 days... but today when Gloria said in very static English as usual " I will mi---ss you/ when/ you are.. er.. go back." and Ivy silently wrote on a piece of paper " I hope you will come back agin" and corrected it to "again".... I... sigh. HOW does this strange thing hapen when you love so much you wanna cry? I'll miss them for sure.

notice for MIA

2008-08-09T04:43:00.000-07:00

I am posting a notice to declare that I will officially be MIA for the next 11 days till I reach Singapore. I will have no handphone number till the 20th... then everything will resume and I shall expect many welcome home messages!~~! =) ok.. actually.. no please don't. Hahah... I cannot imagine what I shall do if my hp is flooded with sms.

Anyway... as it is the last week here, coupled with olympics fever.. I actaully have alot of work to complete before I can say that I've done my duty well.

I'll be leading "songs" this sunday.. all in Mandarin... expecting the HS to turn up powerfully. =P hee. I'm also battle ear lobe infection which has me running to the hospital daily for "cleaning". I'm not taking Chinese antibiotics... so if something terrible happens... just know that I believe that it's His will anyway!!1 Meanwhile, keep me in your reyarps. ;)

Additionally. UYF is down with a swollen foot that is fast improving with grape juice... but please also think of him. He shall be "speaking" this sunday.

We have a concert on saturday for which I am to play the guitar for three songs!!! egad! also remember that...

and most importantly that during these last few days His will will be done in our own lives and for the lives of others....

SEEYA SOON!!!

YAY!!!

2008-08-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

Ok... it's 6:11am in the morning... and I'm not in the lab! Ah Lian has kindly activated one of the old ethernet wires that is strung up to the third floor... So i'm not sitting in a very hot room but able to get some kind of access to the internet. I say "some kind" because the connection is lost every 5 or sic seconds and I have to keep pulling the cord out and plugging it back in to actually send info. But I'm not complaining!

=) It's been a long while folks... how are you? It's suffice to say that I'm busy. I can barely believe that in two weeks time, I'll be on my way home from a stopover in Guangzhou! I'm further excited byt the fact that with some things going on, He has provided a way to come home 12 hours earlier so I have some more time to spend with my family (my parents are leaving on the 20th August). Now, I'll be flying back from GZ on UYF's flight and reaching at 3pm? ont he 19th! So... though I have this IDMC conference thingy... we can meet up 20th night? for dinner? or supper?? Hee.. I know it's like WAY too early to be making plans like these... but I'm so darn excited about returning and seeing all again!

I miss everything now. I've really gotten to the point where anything about home makes me wanna break down and sob and come back. HAHAHA. ok... not so bad, I'm being dramatic. I do miss home... but I have a naggy feeling that in a week, I'm going to be thinking how much I will miss the people here and then I won't be so eager for home anymore. =(

This weekend... in the midst of all the prep for this week.. I was really just thinking... what is home like now? I've been gone for almost 2 months... how different is it? I imagine that people could have changed alot. BAY probably has too... I hopw all this change has been for good though. Looking forward to being updated about everything when I finally reach home!!!

2008-07-25T05:12:00.000-07:00

Ah Lian's birthday

as promised...

From Ai's travels

and a couple more photos in my travels album

2008-07-25T04:18:00.001-07:00

To and fro in 2 days.

Hmm... I am by grace alive and well... tired out and slightly traumatized, but not too badly hit that I will never come back... enough that I woul not want to ride a bus from Liannan to Shenzhen straight anymore.

I ad a good experience though. I met the NICEST aunty in Hongkong who brought me to the most posh dinner place to have roasted goose, wanton and vegetables... when I kept telling her "simple will do." She moved her home office so I could have a room to sleep in, and she bought a sim card for me to call Singapore (calling to M-comm). She refused to accept money for it... She let me use her internet, brought me water.... ... she gave me stuff to eat on the way back and even woke up at 5:30am to bring me all the way to East Tsim Sha Tsui station (as in take MTR with me) ... Ah.. that was being bles/sed no doubt.

Apart from meeting her, I got to buy some supplies. =)

So all in all I can only say that I guess He wanted me to go through the experience.... sighs. 26 more days to home. Honestly... I'm missing home more and more and more and more.

Do you know that they do not sell butter here??? heh. so can't even try to survive bread and butter. I'm craving rest... convenience... cleanliness... safety... boyfriend and family.

I really do miss my family now. I miss sharing food with my jie... or my brother who TALKS... I thought my brother always sleeps or shuts himself in his room, but after seeing UYF.. I think my brother is rather good after all.

Argh. I don't want to complain. I am here for a reason... but it's getting harder and harder.

Tomorrow I have classes again to "bu" the days I missed. I need grace.

Hello Hongkong!

2008-07-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

I'll be travelling to Hong Kong tomorrow... and I'm kinda happy about it. Haha... because it gives me a break. Strangely enough, the feeling of being busy never changes despite where you are. And so... even though I willingingly came to LN, and I do like interacting with the students... the need for reprieve is ever present. I guess the One above knew that I would need it.

Imagine that! travelling is a break! hahaha... the old enai hates travelling to the core and rather not travel at all... yet somehow I am learning joy in this. strange.

and yes. PLEASE REMEMBER us here. crasy things have been happening, proving to us that though He is victorious, the evil one somehow enjoys crippling us from time to time. sadistic really.

- Wen Ying got locked into the toilet and took an hour plus before they dismantled the door knob and rescued her. She was pretty darn scared.
- The photocopier's "toner life" ended! after one week and less than two reams of copies. It's supposed to print 10, 000 copies.
- Washing machine is broken.. takes more than 6 hours to wash clothes
- Frequent electricity cut-offs....
- Students who don't want to learn but are forced and go through alot of hazzle and emotional turmoil.

grr! Get behind us!!!! That's all I wanna say. Whatever it is, we will persevere.... until I have no more life (since my voice has gone).

eeps...

2008-07-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

Wow.. time flies and I can't believe it's been 4 full days since I've blogged. Recently, days have been so busy and the weather has been so hot that I haven't even felt like using the internet.

I currently have 3 different classes.
1) A primary school class on Tue/Thu from 8:30am to 10:30am
2) A secondary school class every weekday from 2pm to 3:30pm (8 students)
3) A secondary school class on Mon/Wed/Fri from 10 to 11:30am (3 students)

It sounds light... 2 classes a day, each about 2 hrs... but in actual fact, each secondary school student needs about 1hr to 3hrs of extra time to practice conversation and other things. It's been terribly hectic and I have to say that I can only er... continue at this pace through grace. and hopefully the students will start to get better... eeps!

On top of that, there's syllabus and worksheets to prepare. Meanwhile I'm also trying in my own small way to support SJ and her work with the interns. I'm also trying to get to know EV better. UYF is just way out of my league, so I'm depending on grace to work with him.

Anyway, I have to go and print worksheets. The boss is sitting next to me, and I don't wanna be slacking! =)

Oh! btw, I met Shenwei for like an hour yesterday, he's back in his hometown today and will be swinging by again on the 25th before he goes to ChangSha.

ENCI!!!

2008-07-15T22:25:00.001-07:00

Enci spent half an hour in my room today.... playing the the guitar, camera and hairband.... Too cute lah!!!

Photos!!

2008-07-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Ai's travels

Missing....

2008-07-13T01:33:00.000-07:00

I am missing you. (ok, I don't know who is reading this, but if you know me, then i am definately missing you!)

Today is Sunday, and unlike sundays at home, this day is simply less hectic in the morning as ser/vice is in the afternoon... after lunch. And it's only an hour long. I haven't been to ch/urch for a long time... since the first week I was in LN. I almost cried at hearing others pr/ay so sincerely. Huili led wor/ship for the first time... she's so devoted and faithful. I was struck by her pr/ayers.

But. I miss... I miss...

the koin/nonia and the family in it's entire-ity (is there such a word?).
the cute kids running around that can say hello, and those that can't...
the aunties and uncles who wish you well and always ask how my parents are
the wor/ship with words I can understand and tunes I know
the commun/ion and the remembering
the offering, the ser/mon the announcements
the friends, sisters and brothers who say good morning
my class and the wonderful questions they have
the lunch afterward catching up
the knowledge that we'll see each other next week
the familiarity of being known
the leaders and the spur-of-the-moment publicities
the china team-ers and the meetings on 4th floor

argh. But am grateful for a chance to open my eyes and see sunday in LN... i'm grateful for this fell/ow/ship because it's SO MUCH better than having nothing... and it is very meaningful. I am grateful I can understand a very large part of it... more than UYF. Heh. So.. yes. I am grateful still. I am content still.

Whats been goin on

2008-07-12T02:17:00.000-07:00

wow... I feel like I've spent a week here already just by the amount of work that I've been doing. Ok... in all honesty, I do like being busy... and I guess I am good at doing certain things. So, I am grateful that I can offer something to this place... but I'm beep* tired and everytime I walk out to take a drink, I see Uncle Yew Fook cutting paper! argh. how unfair is that?

Haha... ok. For the past two days we've been planning the syllabus. I've been typing up making worksheets for elementary 1-3, 4-6 and secondary students. Scanning, finding pictures, passages, formatting, using photoshop, typing endlessly, correcting broken english, figuring out if this is suitable and mediating between Siow Jen (SJ) and Uncle Yew Fook (UYF). Now SJ is very nice and she is very busy... but she has like 10 staff to care for and she's mostly cooking or talking to parents. UYF on the under hand has many great ideas but no way to put things down into hard fact. SAVE me! =\

Oh well. By grace. I'm learning to say this too often =P

P/S: I wanna come online and put up my pictures and all.. but I'm sorry.. I'm WAY too busy. couple more days maybe.

in Liannan FINALLY!!!

2008-07-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Am finally in Liannan. How I got here is truly by grace alone. Though it was in all human terms a very uncomfortable journey, I acutally am not too traumatised by it. In fact, if I had to, I would do it again, of course not by my own might or power, but really by grace alone.

I left for Babu (eight steps) on a 8:30am bus that was supposed to take 3.5 hrs. We took 6 hours. Since I was informed that there was only 4 buses from Babu to Lianzhou a day, I was concerned I would not make the transit in time. I reached Babu at 2:30pm instead of 12pm. The bus driver was not very helpful and couldn't tell me how to get a ticket for a Lianzhou bus. The police guard told me that I could only get a bus from Dongzhan (east station). I was told to take a "San Lun Che" (3-wheel car) there.

Heh.. again by grace I found an aunty riding a tricycle who brought me there for 5 yuan. At Dongzhan, the ticketing officer was very nice and gave me a good seat on the last bus at 3:30pm! The bus was a non-airconditioned, small bus with no luggage compartment and no rules. But thank G-d, it was a beautiful day, not too hot with plenty of nice scenery. I was so grateful to be next to the window where I could stick my head out when the smoking got too bad and breathe some fresh air.

I actually heard the bus uncle say that he couldn't stop in Liannan in cantonese (Lin Nam), but he was kind enough to drop me at the Guang Chang in Liannan 3.5 hrs later at 7:30pm. There, to my delight, I was greeted by Ah Lian and Huili.

Everyone (Mum, Ah Lian, Huili, Uncle Yew Fook, Siow Jen) all say I was very brave. But I am not. And I shall boast in my weakness… I HATE travelling.. and I am/was scared of travelling all alone in unfamiliar ground. But… there is the One above who takes such good care of me… and in His faithfulness I will glory.

In Yangsuo

2008-07-06T07:03:00.000-07:00

We've finally reached Yangsuo. It's been a pretty long and eventless day. Travelling bus rides of 5.5 hrs then anothe 2 hrs before reaching here from Heng Yang (which was already 3.4 hrs from Changsha). I choose not to dwell on the bad parts.. the extra ppl sitting on stools in the middle aisles, the loud beeps every 5 seconds... =) and well.. simply accept. Content to be on my way to a holiday.

Things are alright. I think i really can't get used to spending so much time with just my parents. It scares me... in a way, i'm looking forward to being off... but not looking forward to being alone. sigh!!!

well.. the good part is there's a place for me to check my email and update me blog here! =) free! of course i have to queue up... but well. =) least I can check for stuff

how this journey began

2008-07-04T05:51:00.000-07:00

I feel a little regretful that I did not really get a chance to share with people how, why and what this trip to China is all about. The only person that knows everything I know is probably my dearest boyfriend. The One above knows a lot more than I do about what is going on. I didn't want to say much because it was scary and painful to talk about something that I was not sure was going to happen... and could not explain very well.

Several months ago, when the team was sharing on m-sunday about their dec trip, and there was mention of a teaching trip this year, I was very interested... mainly because it seemed like a good idea to do something more than 2 weeks. But as things rolled around and it was not at a good timing, and I wanted to actually leave work after July, I was not too sure that I wanted to do it, especially when there was nobody in charge, and it looked at though there would not even be a the opportunity to go.

But somehow, I persevered in trying to make this happen. I did things I was totally unsure about... leaving work, talking to random uncles, emailing and calling and mostly just doing alot of "warfare". Troubles came aplenty in the form of requests to stay longer at work, visa issues that wouldn't work out, people dropping out of the trip (leaving just me and one uncle)... and the whole issue of travelling alone. But throughout these problems that really left me wondering what the One above was thinking.... I had encouragement in the form of support from people around (without me asking), andjust confirmation after confirmation that I was meant to do this.

Leaving the people behind in Singapore to be obedient was, is not and won't be easy (since my journey is not even half-way complete). Especially not being able to go to US with Hozea... especially not being around when he looks for a job... it's tough not being around when DGs start in motion, when the discipling starts, when my new nurture class is in, when my friends are also going through job changes... But I just know that there's something to it when David declares "I will NOT offer up something that costs me nothing". So I plod on... because the sacrifice of a ready heart is pleasing.. and I want to please Him.

The best miracle that "sealed the deal" was obtaining my visa in HK. Through great maneuvering by the One above, I met Uncle TH in Guangzhou, after telling Kel and the HK team that I was considering applying for a visa in HK at the embassy. I was directed to a travel agency and with a lot of grace and wonders... managed to get double-entry 30 days to China. Yes, this means I will have to travel in and out of Liannan by myself at least once. But this is such a blessing. I recall Serene saying that a month is a long time at the airport.. and I shocked her by saying that "Gd-willing, I'll be gone for 3 months". And lo and behold, it was.

Now it's my last day in Changsha and the emotions are very real. I am afraid. Truly a little disturbed at trying to find my way from Yangshuo to Liannan... and then the little outward bound trip to HK and back... But He who brought me so far, would not forsake me. =) I can trust the HS to add faith where I lack.

Thanks for all the requests made on my behalf to Him... I appreciate it cos I know that i've been buffered by grace all along.

happy enai

2008-07-03T03:12:00.000-07:00

En'ai is a happy girl. =) If you are wondering why I have not been as free as I should be in boring ole China with my parents of all people, it's actually because my mother gave me a HUGE project to complete. Thanks to the One Above, I've completed a 24-page "booklet" for her. It's a booklet on banners and dance that she intends to use when she teaches.

Apart from that of course, my mother has kindly arranged activities to bless me back. Like in-kind payment? =) So I've been to visit the orphanage, been to the tailors, and today, went shopping!

Pictures above for all to share my joy especially Cheryl! I thought of her all too often as I roamed the streets today. Shopping in Changsha is not very good at all... but I bought all my stuff (or rather my mummy bought for me! =) ) from ONE store called MetersBonwe. All the tops (purple, white blouse, white tee and the shiny black blouse) are from there, so are the shorts. The dark grey skirt, dress and black pants are from the tailors (the tailoring here is good and super cheap -pants RMB 52)! and the khaki skirt a present from my mum. My mum actually called me when we were at the vocational school in Lian Nan to consult me on it! hahaha.

Oh! and the muffins.. I baked to bring to the orphanage for the kids. It was a blessing to me to see how Aunty Chew Ping's muffins and the long hours with hazel actually gave me a skill I can use to bless others... now my mummy loves them and has a stash in the fridge! =)

the journey of walking

2008-06-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

I've been away for 18 days but it feels much longer. I'm not even sure what is happening in Singapore because I can only read blogs that are not on wordpress... and I can't even access the links of my friends because I don't remember them! (they're all stored on my blog which I can't get into)

I'm walking further and further away from my comfort zone, and into the "realm of the unknown", hoping and trusting that He is there, holding my hand. Leaving work was easy... possibly cos Jo and Eileen were not around and I was happy to leave the frustrating environment. Leaving my family at home was not so bad... maybe because it was very late, maybe because I've kinda left them for a long while, maybe because they've got their own things to do. Saying goodbye to church friends in malacca and at the airport was also not that bad... possibly because I got to take alot of my friends with me!

Trying to say goodbye to hozea was difficult. I cried... and almost cried again when I left him at the airport... It's not easy choosing to be in different country... and if I could be with him and do His will at the same time then I would. But we figured that part of my walk is walking apart from hozea at time. How can I bear it? grace and love... just like many other things in my life. I am very grateful for someone who releases me to walk in obedience and supports me and loves me, even though i've "abandoned" him in Singapore. It's just 3 months, we'll have the rest of our lives to make it up. =)

Saying bye to the China team before we headed to Shen Zhen and Hong Kong was kinda rushed and surreal. I actually can't believe that I won't talk to hazel for like 2 months! Eeps. but now that I think about it, I won't talk to any of the church people for about that period of time! Whoa... but without Kel in Hong Kong and Shen Zhen we were like fish out of water. It was honestly the hardest thing to leave Joel, Ben, Gabs and Cheryl in Hong Kong though... I hugged Cheryl, the boys prayed for me, and I walked off... sobbing and trying to hold it in. I think up to that point, i've been graciously buffered by having people around me.

Now, alone at home finally in a long while, I must confess I feel it. I miss hozea and wonder where on earth he is right now, cos my msges are not being replied. I miss all my BA people... and i think often about what is going on there- especially with Serene, my nurture class, the girls, cherie, the leaders... I miss Eileen and Jo very much... and I miss my jie and bro.

Yet I persist. I'm not whining or complaining because this is my journey to learn what walking in Him is like... Paul's experiences show me that there is so much to discover about Him when I go. So I went and I'm going and I will be gone! But I carry all of you in my heart.

In China where I cannot get through to wordpress

2008-06-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

Ah... well...

In China where communication is sparse because
1) I'm on the road too often
(been to Malaysia, Lian Nan town and villages, Guangzhou, Shen Zhen, Hong Kong, Changsha in the span of 3.5 weeks?)
2) I lost my Singapore SIM card. Ask Hozea for my China number or email me
3) Everything is censored. I CANNOT access any wordpress blogs =(
4) Phone bills are expensive

Many things have happened recently, and I'll likely try and use this blog to update instead, and once I return to Singapore, move the posts back to wordpress, my happy home. =)

The schedule of things to come..
Changsha till 5th July
5th Jul - Heng Yang (orphanage site)
6th-10th - Yang Suo (family holiday in small Gui Ling)
10th July - 19th August - Lian Nan (6-weeks Summer course)

* Somewhere between 20-28th July I must head out to Hong Kong once all alone to exit and re-enter for visa purposes.

MOVED!

2007-08-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

I've MOVED! =) after weighing the differences, I've decided to export my blog to wordpress..

http://iamenai.wordpress.com

finally restarted blogging.... after a full year.... so

There's no tagboard there, so do leave comments and let me know that you got this msg! =)

winding down, winding up

2006-04-16T16:11:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of a moment.

In a microperspective for winding down,
- my semester is coming to an end
- my car has been sold
- my room and possessions are slowly being sorted and packed

In a more macro look,
- my time in the USA is ending
- my undergraduate studies are coming to an end
- there are some people that I will never ever see again... that thought scares me...

But things are getting frantic as
- I finish off my senior paper, and random other assignments and test for school
- I rent a car, plan the holiday and try to settle money issues
- I'm graduating! I have cards to write, presents to give and goodbyes to be said

and just STUFF..

but you know, when all is said and done, I thank God He brought me here, and I thank God that he's bring me home. =) I like home.

2006-04-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

yeah, its been awhile....

sorry... it's the last month to graduation, and i'm flooded with work, responsibilities, various honor ceremonies and the like, meetings and just trying to get my head screwed on right.

on the flip side, God has been very good, and I see the light =) distant, but i see it.

BOSTON

2006-03-15T19:00:00.000-08:00

And I'm in Boston.

And it's COLD... and it snowed! (but it didn't stick)

And I'm with my sister, and happy... a little bored... but it's good.

Today... I walked around a lil bit.. around Harvard Square.

Top three memorable things today
1) Pretty paper at this paper and stationary speciality shop. Nice striped vellum. 50c a piece... I just might... =)
2) This cool wall decoration at Urban Outfitters. I think I will try to do something like it for my own home
3) Amazing chocolate desserts bought at 8:30pm for "dinner" and brought home in a freezing 20 min walk.

But really. most of the time i was at my jie's place. Pretty cool.

Let each man pray as best as he can

2006-03-09T05:31:00.000-08:00

Nothing could be more intensely individual than the prayers of the Bible. Nobody tries to commune with God in any one else's way. Some pray kneeling, like Paul (Acts 20:36); some standing, like Jeremiah (Jer. 18:20); some sitting, like David (2 Sam. 7:18); some prostrate, like Jesus (Matt. 26:39). Some pray silently, like Hannah (1 Sam 1:13); some aloud, like Ezekiel (Ezek. 11:13). Some pray in the temple (2 Kings 19:14); some in bed (Ps. 63:6); in the fields (Gen. 24:22,12); on the hillside (Gen. 28:18-20); on the battlefield (1 Sam. 7:5); by a riverside (Acts 16:13); on the seashore (Acts 21:5); in the privacy of the chamber (Matt 6:6). Moreover all sorts of temperaments are found at prayer; practical leaders like Nehemiah, who in silent ejaculation of the spirit seeks God's help before he speaks to the king (Neh 1:3,5); poets like the writer of the 27th Psalm, who love communion with God; men of melancholy mind like Jeremiah, "Hast thou utterly rejected Judah? hath thy soul loathed Zion?" (Jer. 14:19); and men of radiant spirit like Isaiah, "Jehovah, even Jehovah is my strength and song; and he is become my salvation" (Isa. 12:2).

There are as many different ways of praying as there are different individuals. Consider the prayer of St. Augustine: "Let my soul take refuge from the croding turmoil of worldly thoughts beneath the shadow of thy wings; let my heart, this sea of restless waves, find peace in thee, O God." And then in contrast consider the prayer of Lord Ashley, before he charged at the battle of Edge Hill: "O Lord, thou knowest how busy I must be this day. If I forget Thee, do not Thou forget me."

We need to remember, therefore, that there is no one mould of prayer into which our communion with God must be run. Let each man pray as best as he can.
- From The Meaning of Prayer by Harry Emerson Fosdick
Taken from Disciplines for the Inner Life by Bob Benson Sr. and Michael W. Benson

2006-03-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

keeping tabs

1 voicemail
1 reply to comment on post
1 msg
25:12mins of talk time

or maybe I can look at it as

1 opportunity to leave a message to say that you missed me
1 reply to help me understand you
1 msg to let me know that i can call you and talk
Close to half on hour of sacrifice of not eating, and trying to sort out a tangled mess.

I'd take the second view... only it feels like i'm forced to take the first.

I'm sorry you are so busy.

hmmm

2006-02-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

Hmm...
alright... so i've been rather busy with self reflection for the last few weeks... trying to get a hold of who I am and God.

and i think I have come to this conclusion.

I am blessed.

I feel at times cheated of the things I thought I should have. I feel at times lost without the people I thought I had. I feel at times unhappy with the things I do have. I feel at times mad at the thought of the things I have lost. I feel at times dissapointed with the person I thought I was. I feel at times crazy with the things that I have not taken good care of. I feel at times distant from the God that I thought had me.

But I am blessed. I might think one way, and might act one way, and might feel all this ways... but I am blessed. It's been a long road to this point, but i'm here... I can stand and say, i'm content. It is good. I can rejoice....

2006-02-19T16:36:00.000-08:00

Cabin fever.

Snow
Freezing rain
Icy roads

Bleah.

I know... i know snow sounds exciting... and I guess if you were in a holiday chalet someway in the Alps or somewhere where the snow means luxury, then it's pretty exciting...

But where snow means dangerous driving, (accidents happen about like once every ten minutes!! it's a nightmare) and it means that it's too cold to go running, or wash your car, or even your clothes (I'm a wuss, but the washer and dryer are in the garage which pretty open)... then snow gives me cabin fever. I didn't even get to church. that makes me really sad!

SNOW!

2006-02-18T19:10:00.000-08:00

What a conclusion to a somewhat tumultous week.

I switched babysitting days for tue/wed this week cos Jenn needed me too.
Went to screen on mon/thu
Went to school on fri
Spent 4 1/2 hours making envelopes for the survey
V-day came and went
Bible study was amazing, and I bought a new and amazing devotional book
I mailed my taxes
I did not do my homework
I went to aerobics twice this week
I went to Applebees and the mall with Anne, Eileen and Lynnette
I drove in freezing rain
I drove on snowed roads
Cooked twice this week. Big batch of chicken stew, and then chicken soup
Brought Lynnette to pick up her parcel
Went to grocery store...
Watched olympics

Well, lots of things...
but what i did doesn't how I feel... and i am suffering from a sever case of SAD.
Seasonal Affective Disorder
I.e. Winter depression.

The snow might be pretty, but the chilly weather and the inability to get outside and exercise really really puts me in a down mood.

well =) things are looking up... there's church tomorrow! and i LUUUURVE church!

hmm... and God loves me, so i should be happy right? =)

fun at the zoo

2006-02-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

I miss the Singapore Zoo.

Other than that, the Tulsa Zoo trip was a stellar expedition for the Honors Fellows to take. It was a bright, sunny, blue-skyed day, which coupled with blustery winds and winter weather, made for a real treat. The indoor exibits were tolerable, but nothing extraordinary, nothing to make to day special except for one thing... one guy that stole my heart.

Heh. Chill. I'm not talking about like a classmate or anything... but little Owen, with a winsome smile, a blonde tousled head of questions and hands that were magnetic to all things dirt. I wish I had taken pictures... OOOHHH.. so cute.

So much for spending time catching up with old friends... I didn't get to talk much to the girls (Katie, Jen, Sarah, Abby or Kristen... not even Jamie and Lisa). I spent most of my time chasing this little boy around and being delighted and disgusted (puddle-stamping, dirt-finding)! Heh... little kids are so awesome... you know?

You and I go to the zoo to see animals... and we make all sorts of comments about them. He? He found the lamposts, recycling bins and etched pavements just as every bit interesting as the monkeys, birds fishes and what-nots. He also discovered what echo is.

So anyway... because of little Owen, I spent most of my time with Dr Korstad and Adam- them being the only 3 males in our girly bunch.

Argh. Help me! I need to get over this cute kid... but really.. doesn' your heart just melt when this little 3-4? year old kid runs down the pavement yelling, "O-R-U, O-R-U" heh. =) He's special.

I can only Imagine

2006-02-08T05:35:00.000-08:00

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
- Mercy Me

i love

2006-01-30T05:00:00.000-08:00

i love God, and i love this church!

TLC is absolutely incredible. God is too... and more and more I'm excited about Bible Study, about spending time with other Christians and about just living for Him. I may only have 3 months left in Tulsa, but i'm going to "do the church thing" cos I love God and for some amazing reason, I have a joy and a peace in my heart about this that will not die out!

a little getaway

2006-01-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

Eileen and i had a little getaway this morning/afternoon. It's strange how i see her SO much less... now that i only go to school once a week... She has her own life, and I have mine, and once in a while, on a weekend, we get a chance to sit and talk. Today's location? First Watch.

On the menu? Coffee, omelette (gravy train)- Eileen's, cranberry nut pancake-mine (though we always share!) and loads of conversation.

I miss that.

and then my thoughts had their little getaway.

It's not like I don't miss being able to hang out with you... or being able to talk to you like i know you, or being able to understand you. But it's true... just like in the past, barriers that are up find it hard to come down... and with the little time I have, it's not been possible. I wish things were different. I wish like Eileen, there would be at least one day a week for some time out. But its more like one day a year, if that.

I rationalize it like that.

But inside it hurts. It hurts that you feel rejected by me. It hurts me to see you so wary and clammish that I dont have a chance to get in. It hurts that you don't understand me either, just the same that I don't understand you anymore.

At the end, i smile. I think that I have to stop feeling guilty for having changed, for being away, for not being free whenever you are not busy... for having family around. I think that you have to stop feeling guilty for not understanding what's goin on, for not being free, for not being comfortable, for holding on to the ghosts of the past.

I loved the past. I thought it rocked. But i'm trying to love the now. I don't think it's that hot. But what? Roll with the punches (with the nodding head and the head movements)

Sigh.

Ahh.. what a mental getaway. I know i'm far from perfect, and i never claim to be. I wont claim to be who i'm not. But I did, do and will love you as best as i can.

we have tickets

2006-01-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

Tickets are special.

They say that the holder has a reserved place, usually a specific seat, to attend an event or to ride somewhere. It means that you have a right to be somewhere at a certain time and there's proof. A real paid-for ticket almost for certain guarantees that you will use it.

hee... =) and i'm filled with glee cos we have tickets! I've already got my ticket to go home to Singapore... heh. =) the excitment is heightened by the fact... that my wonderful boyfriend has a ticket too... It's not all settled and smooth yet, but he does have a ticket! =)

All this talk about tickets reminded me of heaven and my ticket. Can't believe that I would make such a BIG deal about getting a ride home to Singapore... and not be that excited about my final ride home to Heaven. The best part of this exclusive ticket I have, is that i got it free... but nobody can take it away from me, and everyone else can get one too. I wonder why we dont all want this ticket... i mean. It's real, it's free and it comes with well... more than just a trip into Heaven... it comes with love, joy peace... and life! REAL LIFE. I say... grab a ticket! =)

Sunday service (s)

2006-01-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

today was a great day at church. I miss church.

I know.... confusing right? Well, I went to Life Connection. For everybody's understanding, it shall now be referred to as TLC. And it was SO good... Kathy went with me, and the worship and the message were great. But more... so much much more than that... the presence of the Holy Spirit was there, and it lingered, and fell down, and blanketed the congregation, leaving a sweet, restful, but yearning sensation on our hearts.

But i missed church back home. Bukit Arang (BA for short). I looked down at the bulletin i had stuck in my bible, the one that my wonderfully talented boyfriend had designed... and I felt a pang of sadness wash over me.

anyway. church attendance matters aside... i learnt 2 very important things.
1) How to disciple. That was kinda what the sermon was about, and it was very good... and very simple. Many of us think discipleship is a class, some even think its about going through a beginners class. It's true... discipleship is an introduction... but it's not an introductory course in the sense of a classroom setting with books and teachers... it's an introductory course in life. Being a disciple is about learning to live... and we make disciples, not by going through a routine book, but by
1) sharing our life with them
2) giving them tools, or gear to live
3) helping or teaching them to use those tools.
I won't say it's not difficult. Investing and engaging others with life is probably more difficult than reading from a book and getting them to repeat the four spiritual laws, in correct order! But it's what Jesus did... and it's how we should make disciples too.

2) There's a BIG difference between guilt and conviction.
I have not figured out the intricacies of this statement... but I know that i succumb to feelings of guilt easily. But guilt... that feeling is really not from God. Guilt is a feeling that Satan gives us... when we or others judge ourselves. It helps us feel inadequate, feel worthless and unredeemable... but it most make me feel like I did something wrong, that God wont forgive me, and I must fix it all by myself. ALL WRONG. On the other hand, conviction is a word from God. It's a judgement from Him alone that avoids the condemnation and the "you are pure evil" feeling, and instead says "this action... not your being, but this action is wrong, and you and I (God) can fix it. You give it up, and I take it away."

Both are things not easy to deal with, and one is easily mistaken for the other. But with guilt only comes a series of more guilt because humanly... we can never repair our mistakes. But with conviction (which requires an open heart), come repentance, forgiven, redemption and peace.

I wonder what you learnt at church today...

2005-12-13T08:36:00.000-08:00

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha... exclamations of happy-ness... wonderful-ness and general excited-ness

I'm going home in 2 days.... 2!!!

ok. on another note... i still have 2 exams! bleah!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=)

2005-12-11T06:25:00.000-08:00

PHOTOS

and I'm off to church!

WOW. =) I'm 21.

2005-12-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

WOW

Today has really been great. Thank you all for everything you did. I loved receiving the little messages on the tag board, through msn, on other people's blogs, through friendster, facebook... I felt overwhelmed. I didn;t even know i knew that many people! Let alone that that many people cared!

So thank you.

And Thank You God.

I had some time today, to go for a walk and run, and spend some time with my favoritest person in the world wide world. Jesus. It was good, though humbling, and I came back with some weight off my body (hopefully), but a little more weight on my heart.

It's ok. =) I'm glad i'm just 21. I've gotten through enough to have an unshakeable belief that God is real and He loves me... but I've got the many years on earth before me to fix up all the things I've done wrong, and to make them right. I will keep striving to be perfect... Because we are commanded to... but perfect in His eyes, not to myself. And one day, at the end of my road, I'll see the whole of eternity stretched before me, and I'll see... hopefully understand... what my life is in the grand scheme of things.

But for now, I'm content to handle the task that it before me. To finish school strong (means studying!), to take care of my body, soul and spirit, and to keep a look out for others... body, soul and spirit to.

I can't thank everyone enough for the love... and here's my prayer for all who have blessed me today

The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26

hi all

2005-12-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

kathy reminded me my birthday is this weekend. Tomorrow is friday. and my head is thinking 3 things...
1) CAR!!!! be fixed!
2) EXAMS!!! be done please.... especially this french one...
3) HOME.. a week can't come sooner... and still... it probably can!

21? schwammy-wan!

haha... wonderful how brithdays are nothing... cos one day in my life??? count that against the hundreds, millions, kazillions of days of eternity... i'm not even halfway close to there. So i'll let that day pass in blissful oblivion (if kathy and eileen would let me!) and spend it praying that my car will be fixed and I will be able to go out and get stuff for my family that i can bring home! =) oh.. and did i mention the studying? yes.. the studying!

Seeya all in a week...

Eileen's on blogspot

2005-12-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

Heh... so Eileen's finally got a blog... dunno if she'll actually be updating it for now...

heh... it's here!

By the way, she is pretty... and bubbly and bouncy. Haha... She's so funny!!! Well, it's imagining her saying it that is hilarious... =) but anyway... I'm so glad for someone like Eileen here in Tulsa!

And you know something else, I was looking through my old entries... realised I wrote alot more last year, about alot more things... especially counting down. Well, as of tomorrow, it will be a week before I go home. This time round, I'm dealing with alot more things, so... strangely enough, i only have a phrase... instead of a paragraph of ramblings... and it is:

I believe.

2005-12-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

When is it that my life will calm down and everything will be like what it's supposed to be? I don't know... but right now, my answer is "never, and it doesn't matter a bit."

I didn't say i'm unaffected, or that I don't feel bad, but I understand that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. 2-3 years from now, this will be a good memory.

So this will be a long post. Sit down, be ready to hear me out...
FACTS
The electricity in my house went out on Tuesday night. By Thursday, they found that it was because a wire was burnt. By Thursday night, the electricity went out AGAIN. Today is Sunday, it's supposed to be fixed.

I've been staying at Jenn and Chris house since Wed night. They are AMAZING people... where would I be without them.

My car brake lights has shorted (uncanny resemblance to house issues), so i can't drive it around. Kathy has been in a car accident. And she's ok, but her car needs body work done.

I've studied and studied and studied... have written plenty papers and finals in the last 5 days. And there's more to go.

I'm turning 21 soon. And more importantly, i'm going home soon.

FEELINGS
Sigh. On mentionning 21, I feel guilty cos I wasn't able to call Hazel or anything like that. The situation i'm in gets hectic, then calms... but simply put, i couldn't... and I feel bad! Cos she turned 21 on Fri... Happy belated birthday Hazel!

I'm less stressed on seeing that I will get my work done, and I will do fine, and I will still no matter what be fine.

Thank God for strength and courage to confess His providence and love for me inspite and despite of everything I've been through. Church was tough for me today... because half of me thought of how I should feel abandoned and despaired... but most of me recognised that I'm happy and blessed and have a sense of peace about what is going on. I hated to miss my own church though (went to Eileen's)...

I dont claim to believe only when i'm high... but i cling fast to my faith when i'm low.

see you all in a week... maybe i'll post on my birthday with pics of the party kathy is throwing for me... or maybe i'll see you all physically in less than a fortnight!

2005-11-29T19:11:00.000-08:00

its strange.

sometimes you want all the attention, and you feel like that one person you want attention from is too busy and all...

and then, it flips around, and you feel like you don't want all the attention, but that one person insists on giving it to you.

2005-11-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

strange how you want there to be less time, but when you realise that there is so little time...

panic.

that strange emotion, triggerring the body's first defense and starting th stress signals in your body. Are you up to the challenge or not.

I have... a deadline for this friday that i did not expect... its for a final thats about 12 pages long. and that's not the end of the story. There's more, but i shall spare us all the gory details. All i know is...

by God's grace.

pray for me, and wait for me to be home. =) in 19 days!

*hug*

Almost there

2005-11-21T04:52:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that I am 3 weeks and 3 days away for leaving for home. That's 24 days. I haven't been doing the countdown as much, mostly because I am preoccupied with other things. I have LONG lists of things to do before I leave, and when I get home. So what's new? =)

Well, I feel this year is slightly different because...
- I'll be 21! (what that truly signifies, I have yet to find out)
- My family will be home in the same house for the most part (that's really going to be interesting!)
- I'll be preparing my room for more permanent stay the following year
- It'd be a year since we got together officially...
- Becky can drive. haha... i don't know how much this has to do with me, but it's a pretty big change!

=) So all that's new. And all this is the same old same old.
I have to complete
- TONS of assignments
- sit for my finals
- buy stuff for people
- pack up everything

heh. I'm looking forward to escaping the cold, and eating good food... but more than that, being with my family, my sis, my boyfriend, my busy best friend and church... all that good stuff!

=) seeya in a bit!

riverside

2005-11-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

After living 3 months next to Riverside Park, I finally made the venture across the busy road to check it out yesterday with Kathy. The park is basically a stretch of pavement about 10 metres above the river (now mostly dried up) bank and about 4-7 metres away from the main road (Riverside Drive). But the entire stretch covers maybe about 10 miles...

So I ran today, alone, from 51st to 61st and back (making it 2 miles) and walked from 51st to 54th and back, (making it 1 mile) for a total of... 3 miles!

Kathy has a plan for us to walk all next week, 5:30am tomorrow! =) heh.. now that's going to be exciting!

today

2005-11-17T12:18:00.000-08:00

today

is one of those days where there's too much to say and no place to let it out.

is one of those days where the tears slip out without ceasing

is one of those days i go home, just so that I can cry... and then leave for my next class

is one of those days where i would like to get candles, bury myself under the cover and wish it would all go away

is one of those days where i desperately need the one thing that I cannot have

is one of those days where if God were not God, i would be even awake

is one of those day that i have to grit, grin and bear, hold back the threatening tears

is one of those days i wish i were home.

an update

2005-11-12T07:29:00.000-08:00

hi all.

Wow.. i betcha some of you must be wondering what i've been up to. Truth is that the last few weeks have been absolutely... absolutely crazy... I guess we can say that it all started with fall break.

Something happened during fall break... and well, it was not a good thing. I had a car crash... and it was bad enough that both cars were totalled. Nobody was seriously injured, but it was horrible... and don't ask who's fault it was, cos i really well... yeah. it's over, and that's a good thing.

So the following week was school starting again, with all the homework, driving a rental car and just well, trying to get into the swing of school again... when on thursday, I found out that my car was a total loss and that I had the weekend to find and buy a new car... because they were going to take the rental back! So the desparate search for a new car began... especially since the next week, I was going to take on an extra project that required me to drive to an elementary school nearby..

To spare you guys the nerve-wrecking details, and the cumbersome financial facts, I now have a new car, and it's pretty nice. But i still miss the old one...

When finally my life seems to be going busy busy busy but rather smooth... I fall sick

And the only way to describe this week was sick. It started with a throat that HURT and felt infected on sunday, to a horrible cold/flu/cough/sore throat... by er... well... tuesday I guess. And so i stayed home on sun, tues, thurs and fri... trying to recover. I did see the doctor on thursday... and the medicine does seem to be helping. I can talk now! =) Cant believe i can actually hear my voice. It's pretty amazing! Thank God.

So anyway. that's what's been happening on my life.

On a happier note =)
I got a early birthday present! =) hehe... from my wonderful boyfriend... it was really sweet. I got a pair of pajama pants, a polo tee and a little vial of perfume. Heh.. it's a very early birthday present, but it feels so nice to be loved.

And.. becky passed her driving. Heh. I have not talked to her in a LONG while... but honestly, I haven't talked in a long while. But... yeah! I'm really happy for her actually. I cant imagine the amount of perseverance it takes to get through (not to mention the case sacrifices!)... But she earned it! yay. So now she can drive. this christmas break is going to be FUN!

And that being said... it's 33 days till i fly home! heh... it's almost just a month. Now, that's a truly exciting thought!

and yesh. if you want anything from the US, please place your orders now. =)

2005-11-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Kathy's friend's mother... I got to see some awesome awesome stuff!

http://www.cirqueproductions.com/cirquedreams.htm

=)

photos

2005-10-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

photos... as promised!

share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=9AaN2TNk3asTg

school has started, and my life (social life) is on halt again.

*shrug*

you gotta do what you gotta do to go where you gotta go to get where you gotta get.

=) But God's been good.. what more could I ask?

finally stealing some time...

2005-10-18T18:23:00.000-07:00

sigh... yes... can you believe it? I'm actually blogging... actually putting up a new post... the first in two weeks. =) I'm sorry. I know how boring i can be, and have been trying to save you all some time.

Actually... i've been really busy. The last two weeks have gone by in a blur, because, as can be seen from the previous post... there's school. School is still a puzzle to me. Sometimes it's busy, sometimes it's slow... but most of the time, it's just time-consuming. I've gotten very very tired of the purely academic classes... the ones I take to fufil general education credit and honors credit... knowing full well that about 99% of the class will never ever be applied.

Take as a classic example, Faith and Civilisation. Now... while i admit that forcing someone to think and comtemplate worldviews and such is education in itself, and yes, very much part of real life, I am just plain sick of it all.

Sigh. Good news is, that it is finally Fall Break. It's been, and will be busy... but i've managed to snatch some time away to do things I crave the most... read stupid stories, sing silly songs, watch sweet tv shows (all with happy endings)... and all good stuff like that.

I went to Eureka Springs, Arkansas over the weekend. I promise to have an album of pics up by the end of this week... but for now, here just one pretty picture to whet your appetite.

There are prettier pics... but I wanted to give you an idea of the height we were at. Lots of swerves in the road... like Cameron Highlands... but warm =) like 28-30 degrees warm =) (hehe... yay!). And of course, biggest accomplishment was driving the 3 hrs to and fro from Tulsa... =)

Right now I've got 3 papers to write, research and a couple of other pieces of assignments on my plate. Am babysitting tomorrow, going to work on Thursday and possibly heading to the mall on Friday. =) But i'm happy... I just need a break.

For all those who I owe emails to... I'm sorry. I'll get down to them... sometime this week =)

Oh and Hazel!!! =) Congratulations dear!!! I'm so proud of you for making it this far. Can't believe she has a higher diploma and is working already! =) You know, God is good... has blessed this friend of mine with alot of things... most of all, I guess He's been there through the tough times... times which i remember clearly... and hope never repeat themselves! =) All the best. and yes... =) I wish I could go to the ceremony... but since I can't, take pics! and send them to me.

off to some serious work.
love you all!
-jeanette

2005-10-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

what did i did this weekend???

GASP! it was supposed to be productive... i was supposed to get a million things done... but i really... i really started on a bunch of things, and only really completed 3 assignments. Made good headway on like 2 others, made a little headway like 2 and then made NO headway one alot. one of them being the honors exam. I will try though.. it being now 7:45pm.. to study at least 5 chapters tonight.

*SIGH*

fall break can't come soon enough!

happy birthday to geri

2005-09-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

I missed geri's birthday.

Lots of friends hit the 21 before me, and they all celebrate it in different ways. I got a chance to be with lisha and the girls on her birthday, but missed kel's... and qiu's... and well... will miss val's... but probably not chu hua's!

But anyway.. Who is geri? who are all these people?

I have to admit that I was never that close to my cedar friends. I envy those people who had the time of their lives in secondary school... to say the least, I barely hung out with my friends... i just studied in class with them. Yet this bunch of 7 girls (Alicia, Geraldine, Chu Hua, Qiuling, Junwan, Kelly and I (kinda)) have managed to find a way to stay in touch, to stay connected.

So anyway, today's birthday girl is the beautiful Geri. (that's the only picture I have of her! but i think she still looks cute!) Geri is special because she's got a serious yet super fun-loving streak inside her. I think she reminds me of a pixieish nymph... whimsical, loves to dream... lithe and passionate. But not frail... nope. Geri is really strong on the inside, and that drive and that resilience helps her to stand tall when the odds are against her. She really loves photography too.. =) Well, as a tribute to my friend, I can only say that she's really precious to me!

Anyway. There will be one year that i'll be able to make it for all our birthdays.
I want to say a little about my Cedar friends while i'm at it.
I love my Cedar girls... we make a heck of alot of noise... and while at times, i may feel very left out, being the only like... "foreign" one around... they make room in their lives and their hearts for me! The one thing about being with them that i can't find anywhere else? The boy-screen. Haha... We drag each other boyfriends to hang out with us for a chance to get to know them. I love that because no matter what, they'll be honest... but supportive... and best of all, it's a way of saying, "I accept you as my friend still, even if your priorities and life has changed". Now surely... how many friends would be willing to do that?

2005-09-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

its been a slow weekend that has passed by all too fast.

and well, i feel like i got alot of things, and just nothing done. Homework done? well.. some..

But really, the pinnacle, the peak... best thing that happened this week was an online chat on saturday evening, your early early sunday morning with a special best friend of mine.

It's wondrously strange to feel like that. To feel like it's been too long since we've connected, and yet that if we were totally in touch, then we would not be where we are now.

It's better yet to know that despite it all, we had a very Christ-centred talk. I miss that.

In the end, God is good. so good. When we are good, when we are not. But the thing is, we are going to try to be good... right? =)

I wish i were back home. Not just for him, not just for her... but for me! Again, i miss the chats with cherie (darling girl sent me an email! =) ) and sundays with church and dtc... and the fellowship. argh! Miss you all... really!

2005-09-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

yay!

tell me you're proud of me! I did my first 3 mile run since er... my summer... that was like may? so its been a while...

I know tomorrow i will ache, and all. but YES! I overcame. I'm happy.

2005-09-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

I want to say that God is faithful.

Was reading revelations 2 for my QT this morning and i mean... it only struck me how hard it must be to be judged before God, and be perfect. But what I took from it was that though God cannot tolerate our sins and our failings... He doesn't condemn us, but rather gives us warning to repent! I mean... He could smush us and our evil ways right now, but He loves us so much that He'll work with us.

I think that thought came as I've struggled through this weekend. It's not been too good, and i basically feel like i wasted the weekend, but i am lethargic and "out of it". But God is still faithful to me... I got a 102 on a test I took today that I thought i bummed out on. To alot of people, a test score is no big deal, but to me... feeling unmotivated, braindead, tired out, sleepy, lonely and frustrated... those little numbers were a huge mega huge reminder that God is faithful, even when i'm not.

I may keep falling, failing and flailing... but so long as I keep on picking myself up... keep repenting, keep on loving... I'll be good. =)

french everywhere

2005-09-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

I have a french test tomorrow... and like many chinese tests you guys have... my french is all over the place. I am TRYING to think french.

I mean?
What is this??

sigh. I have a couple more hours to memorise 4 pages of answers that will help me ace my test. I also have other things to do... sigh!!!

" Pathelin, l'avocat desargente et sans scruples se procure a credit une grande quantite de drap le marchand Guilaume Joceaulme. "

which is the first part of my answer to "Recontez un petit de l'histoire de <<>>. Some french classic! It is a funny story... weird but funny.

and btw, =) i'm coming home in december.

slightly off... if you know what I mean?

2005-09-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

This has been a weird day.

I had a bad night, to get up (note i did not say wake up) and find that things are dark and dreary for Hozea back home.

Then work was a chore and a bore.. photocopying some more (yes, it rhymes)... and well, the boss was kinda weird again... kept teasing me...

Finally decided that i will come home, only to find that my air ticket that i found last night is no longer available... sigh.

And then to top it off, Eileen and I finally called this guy whom we heard to be a Singaporean and left msg on his phone... but then when i called back again, he claimed he was not that guy. So weird. I guess he thought he has stalkers or something!

sigh!!!

anyway, back to ma revision de francais et les devoirs necessaires! bleah.

the plague of indecision

2005-09-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

oh would it be that I were omnicient
or least a tad worldly-wise
but being neither
I forever tether
on edge of "yay"
or perhaps... "nay?"
or yet again, "may... be."

Sigh. it's a plague... honestly! To think that people will tell me that i'm smart and some even say "brilliant".. whatever... and i cant even make simple decisions...

What am i whining about now? (heh.. that's a question becky would ask)

To go or no to go??
sigh...
- to go boston or not during fall break
- to go home or to SF during Christmas break
- to think about going Europe or not during spring break (jireh?? comments?)

whatever. this is severly frustrating. If only time, money, temperature, emotions, relationships, people, studies, jobs, responsibilities, and all the rest were not issues... heh. but then, if they weren't issues than life would not be life... it'd be a shelled existence.

anyway, to put aside the whining, and see the dilemma for what it is.. it's a blessing. God gave us choice. We always use that in regard to choosing Him or not. But He created us and reason and logic so that we can understand that when we choose something there are consequences, and then apply that to choosing Him, knowing that there must be consequences, even if we are not so familiar with what they might be now. Faith may be a leap, but it's a leap off a line of reason and logic.

argh. going off on tangents!!! back to the subject, what will I choose? sigh.
I still don't know!

long weekend is over..

2005-09-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

what have I accomplished?

- talked to my boyrfriend for long times... about what? 2 hours on fri night, sat morn and sat night? that's 6 hours at least??? and that's going to have to be enough for somewhile, seeing as he has duty on saturday this week.

- ate, and got fatter. =) heh..

- watched a bunch of movies. On saturday, i watched 3 in a row!!! and well, then one yesterday and one today.

- done hw for tuesday (but no more than that...)

- cleaned up the house for Teri, who happens to now be staying with us in the house. She's an older lady going to study at Rhema Bible College... and she's sleeping on couch seat cushions.. on the floor! i'm amazed... but yesh.

Before I start on trying to do hw due on thursday, I want to say that I miss you all back home... =)

i guess i'll post it

2005-08-31T19:42:00.000-07:00

i acutally wrote a post over the weekend? but didn't post it, i guess i shall post it anyway, make what you will of it, i'll be thinking more.

Sigh, guess i should give a quick update on how i am

I'm ok.
Practicum at Mental Health Association of Tulsa, Columbia TeenScreen Program has started. I'm pretty excited, only that right now it's admin stuff because the schools just started 2 weeks ago. Apart from the boring paperwork, the real part is screening kids for depression and suicidal tendencies.

I'm excited because it's something close to my heart. I personally can't imagine any 16 year old kid having a good enough reason to end their life, but i know it's possible. And yes, it's a little simplistic to treat every kid who screens positive like they have a mental sickness, but it's the first step to getting them help. 75% of Americans suffer from depression... chronic depression! It's a mental sickness yes, but i believe it could or could not be more than that.

right... anyway, gotta get back to work and to bed.
take care all..
=)

2005-08-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

i feel burdened to ramble, so bear with me. Am currently reading three books (about 4 chapters a week) for an Honors class called Faith and Civilization... and it's been enlightening.

What struck me while reading is the how set apart Christian are from society, or popular culture. Many would say that they are antithetical and can never be fused together. The classic struggle, the world against the eternal.

The thing about Christians is not just that we follow Christ (though that must essentially be the most important part), it is not that we love each other and others, it's not even that we have a semblance of peace and hope that others cannot cling to. No... Being a Christian is to be called, to be holy, to be set apart.

Set apart in our worldview. Is there absolute truth? Would you believe that though 70+% of Americans profess to be Christians, only about 33% agree that there is absolute truth? If there is no Truth, then who is Jesus, what is the Bible and who on earth are we? If all roads lead to heaven then whose to say what's right and what's wrong?

Only God. If we can weight every "gray" issue against the clean pure white truth... then it wouldn't be gray anymore. Cos if you know what is white, whatever is not white, is not white. period.

It's so easy though, to convince ourselves that grey is close enough to white.

Yes, there are the big issues. Big issues like... premarital sex, homosexuality. abortion, divorce, cloning and war... But there are the little issues too...

I don't even know what i'm trying to say! I think that absolutes exist, and we better go and find out from God what they are, and then never let ourselves get even close to approaching grey.

Tu comprend?

2005-08-22T18:24:00.000-07:00

Aujourd'hui, j'ai lire mon cahier francais pour trois heures! Mon classe cette semaine c'est Le Literature Francais. Nous sommes commencer a le Moyen Age. L'histoire du literature francaise c'est interessant, mais le vocabulaire est tres difficule pour moi. Je doit utiliser une dictionnaire tout le temps!

Sigh. yes, the struggle with "la belle langue francaise" continues...

PICTURES

2005-08-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

Just as I promised.. pictures of the room. Heh.. if you try and use the bed as a frame of reference... You can see what the room looks like! The room, in cricular arrangement, starting from the bed and going right... is this...

The bed, then the shelf, and the guitar

view of the bed

After the guitar, a set of drawers and my closet, or wardrobe..
(I put the mirror up myself! =) )

view from my bed

then the door, a standing lamp and my desk...

the desk..

and then... back to the BED! =)
( the light made it weird, my shirt was orange, but the body pillow to the side of my head is pink! and the pillow on top of my head, that's striped orange, red and pink!)

me! happy on bed

And then we go outside to see Kathy! =)

Kathy doing her homework...

And then outside even more, to find the HUGE cat, Burbank!

Kathy and Burbank

That's mine, the 96 Toyota Camry. Care to suggest some names?

my car!

And then yes, this is home... from the outside! =)

the house itself

home for the next 4 months

2005-08-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm where I will call "Home" for the next four months. Or at least till I start talking about going back home, as in Singapore home. I wish I could show you pictures, but those will have to wait because I'm stuck without my camera.

So, i'm in transition...
Lets talk about the BIG picture, before we talk about the minute ones...

I'm in my senior year. It's my last year to study all I want to study undergrad-wise.
It's my last year in America. I have that much time to decide if I really love it or hate it.
It's my last year away from family. Once I'm back, i'll be with family all the time. I guess this is actually really excting for me!
And yes, It's my last year before I have to find a job and all.

While the big concepts cover everything, i'm also dealing with

Driving a car.. urgh... and trying to find time to send it for a check.
Get used to living off-campus. Which so far, is a blast... but has made me a little more lazy!
Living with Kathy, an all-American grandmother who is graduating with me!
Classses: this is a long one. I have challenging classes this year. Which is to say, as usual.. i will be working hard. Each class is like a mini transition, let me elaborate.
Senior Practicum. This means that hopefully, i'll be working 2 full days a week, doing real social work.
Faith and Civilization. This class is very "American" and big... and it's the Honors Fellow class. Intellectualism and critical thinking is neccessary. Heh, i need a huge mindset change for this one.
Community Social Work. This class is hands-on and well... just a blur right now.
Survey of French Literature. So far, this has been my most-feared class. But it seems alright, I have like 25 pages to read by tuesday though!
Research Methods. Otherwise conveniently named as the "Kiel-ler class" (prof's name is Mr Kiel). Sigh, but it'd be fine!
Being away from Singapore. I miss my boyfriend!!! yes... and I really miss being able to hang out with becks, hazel... miss mornings with cherie and seeing friendly faces around.

and that's that. But yes, this does mean that i should be back updating my blog more regularly as I have my internet back and all raring to go!

Pray for me yeah? that would be really nice...

in Hozea's house...

2005-07-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

yay. I'm in Hozea's house now, using the wireless network here! haha... yah... it's nice to be able to use the net again, though it's not for fun! bleah. I'm here to do assignments... sigh. Was a GREAT feeling to send in the 3 that i've completed... i'm left with one last paper (10-15 pages) and then i'm DONE... for this class at least. =) Praise God, no exams!

BUT! I do have correspondence class work due next week. and those need some work as well... study study study.

But really.... though i say i wouldn't so summer classes again, I wouldn't have chosen another route anyway. It's either this, overloading by 3 classes next semester or staying in US till Dec next year!!! I rather graduate in May! =P

yay. so now off to rest, before starting on Singaporean Women and their position in Singapore society.

passing days

2005-06-28T03:06:00.000-07:00

in a sense, the days here seem to pass me by... all of a sudden, i've almost spent a week here in Sabah... Things have happened of course... and we've been doing things, but yet, seems like nothing is happening at all.

Things are changing in my family. A couple of decisions made on a Saturday afternoon left our lives in a big tumble... one that will eventually land us all back in Singapore. I pray that it will work out... but you know, man proposes and God disposes. Just hopefully that this one God will back us up on. In a year's time, I'll be home with my jie, find a job and start working... and we'll be taking care of my brother. THings seems so vague and uncertain. Yet.. the date of my graduation is out already. =)

Another piece of news, i have a long dec holiday too! 4 weeks =) YAY! so I'll most likely be coming home after all!! haha... I think Becky and Hozea can understand my excitement. It shouldn't suprise you that I would be excited to go home.

Thinking about it, i'm not the adventurous type.. or not the travelling type. I've been told to make goos use of my time in the US and TRAVEL!!! but honestly, what i've seen on my 3 weeks road trip was great... but i'm more than prepared to not do it again... I'd want more time to spend in one place, less travelling, more experiencing and more getting-to-know-you kinda thing. When you're running around the US in a car, getting places seem more important than people sometimes... =(

Just another thought. =) Been really glad to be with my sis. Lately, we've been praying every morning and night for our family, friends, boyfriends (special category no?) and ourselves too. It's been a good discipline... and of course, when you ebgin to pray for someone, you find that you miss them less. =)

love you all! take care... seeya.. SOON!

2005-06-23T23:08:00.000-07:00

Hozea and I =) *yay*

and now.. in Sabah

2005-06-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

my travelling is not done... now in Sabah. In the last week, i've been to Singapore, KL and Sabah. Such is the life of a very very busy 20 year old.

For that matter, it's hard to believe i'm 20 and I'm attached. My grandparents and aunties and uncles over in KL, all are so super excited for me! haha... my grandma though... (i call her mama) is so different. I haven't seen them in 2.5 years, and all of a sudden, it's like... *wham*.. she's old and frail and soft spoken. It's kinda sad... but in a way, it's right... it's meant to be... It's hard to reconcile the fact that one day they won't be around in KL anymore, and i'll have no reason to go to KL... hmmm, well, maybe to see my cousins... but yeah. that's sad.

sigh... on a happier note. God is good. Church camp was excellent... i think that i got out alot more than I gave. God brought me there to do something with me... and well.. hopefully He used me in the process for other people lah... but really, alot of this camp was healing for me. I LOVED being able to be with the leaders in fellowship once again, missed out so much when i was in Tulsa. I also got to talk to Becky... haven't been with her enough.. but really... best friends are forever... so amazing lah. It's just like that. God is good. And i had a terrific group... and they were awesome... and I think they grew in camp. It was so refreshing, and such a blessing to be encouraged by them all. And yes, of course, I got to spend time with Hozea.. which was kinda special cos we both thought we'd be too busy with leading (for me) and games and worship (for him) to actually do anything. But, i think we learnt alot about each other during camp as well. So i'm glad he went, even though he didn't really want to. Becky too.

=) Things in Sabah are slow. OOH! I cut my hair. Not super short lah.. but enough to make me notice that a bunch of it is gone. Stop telling me i'm not adventurous. I KNOW i'm not. hehe... and i think i'm happy enough not trying to be lah. There's too much stress involved in trying to overcome the fear. Being with my family is rather routine lah. Get up, breakfast, do something, cook dinner, play at night, go to sleep... and so forth.

Missing Singapore... and my boyfriend alot. Sigh. oh well. i'll stop the mush. Will be back with my jie on the 4th July. She's leaving for Japan.. and I dont know when i'll get to see her again too. It's bveen wonderful getting to sepnd about more than a month with her. I miss her alot too. She is really the best elder sis in the world!
Pics will be out later... =)

back in tulsa

2005-06-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

just wanted to let you all know, i'm coming home on the 15th early morning (what else is new) and going for church camp on the 17th June...

will be back in Singapore on the 4th July. Going to KL and Sabah after church camp

=) seeya all really soon!

in boston

2005-05-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

well

Boston is
freezing cold.

other than that. My wonderful jie had graduated from TUFTS U, and will bemoving onto further studies at the Harvard... =) yay.

met my sister's friends.... in particular, Ken and Rachelle
Ken... haha.. scored lots of points with my parents and me. Nice guy all round lah. Kinda reminds me of Graham and Ben rolled into one. Stable and extremely nice, but a little cheeky and takes care of everything kinda "kor" feel... ut maybe i get that feel because it's my jie...

Rachelle.. such a sweetie pie. I love her for the way she loves my jie... and well, sh'es just fun.

okie.. fingers dying

post again maybe when i'm int he sunny land of florida

MIA

2005-05-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well... yes, i admit it fully. I have been absoultely MIA for the last few weeks. Been a crazy spring and summer semester. I have learnt alot.

BUT... =) PRAISE GOD! The semester is over tomorrow and I will be on my way to Boston for a family vacation that will last an entire 3 weeks. =)

So.... no countdown to going home this time. Though from this day, there's like what 27 days? Hozea and I were counting just yesterday in an attempt to lift my spirits. Haven't slept more than 4 hrs a night for the last 3 nights. My nerves are fried out and my brain? heh. But of course, through it all, I have a sense of peace. God has been so good. providing me with a good friends to help me move to Kathy's, to stay over night and stuff like that.

So... haha... maybe i'll come online once in a while... but for now, =) I'm going to pack up and get out of here. Tons of things to do... as usual!!! I'll see you back home! haha... if you want anything from the US.... better tell me now...

Take care, love you all... and i'll be seeing you in a bit! =)

2005-05-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

woah... =) it's been at least a week since i've posted... what can i say? this summer is way more packed than my previous summer experience. Maybe it's the pining for home, or maybe it's the fact that i am not enjoying what is being taught. In any case, as per normal, it's hard work.

no life! argh. haha... i've actually had alot of thing on my mind to say, but i mean, really haven't got a chance to talk about it. I mean, talk about it to whom? when? Besides the fact that i'm stuck a couple of thousdand miles, i'm also a couple of hours behind. this makes things hard for everybody!!! somebody has to call, and somebody has to be awake for a conversation to happen.... and that, haha.. does not happen very often.

Doesn't matter! i'll be back in time for church camp! yay! I'm excited about church camp. Really am kinda glad that it's been pushed back, so i could make it... though i really feel the lost for the poly people... but God will make a way if there is such a possibility... haha. i remember skipping JC classes to make it to leaders retreat once. But I was so blessed. And while the thought of combined sermons and all is rather daunting.. it's also exciting. I can imagine the amount of power that is present when a church is united... it's also just more love floating around.. whee... love is so good!

Hmm.. so what have I been doing? Studying, hanging out with Ling and Eileen... hmm... working. It so happens that I am the student working for hte engineering/physics dept which is going up for accreditation.. i spent 5 hours in the office today... typing and such. yup. i dont intend to keep spending so much time, but i somehow do!

okie dokie... will go and rest for a bit. overworked today... =)

moved!

2005-05-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

so instead of enjoying the last four days after my exams... i have been... MOVING! yup, out of my fall/spring room to my summer room. =) I'm sharing this room with eileen (see picture) for 17 days... haha.. then we MOVE out again! argh.. i hate moving... gives me alot of stress...

here's eileen looking miserable of the unpacking to do, after all the packing..

new room

me? I'm the worse for wear. I've done all the moving completely on my own. Have got myself really sore arms, legs and back... couple of bruises (one huge bump on my shin), cuts and more. I'm pretty tired out, and cant believe that summer school starts tomorrow... and in 19 days i'll be off with my family in Boston. Till then i have as usual... tons of work! haha... whats new right? This year I have er... 3 classes... compared to last years' 5! so not so bad. gotta brush up on my french though.

Il faut que je parlerait francais parce-que je doit prend classe francaise quand l'annee dernier?

heh.. *hug*

SEE SEE!

2005-04-25T15:22:00.000-07:00

driver license!

Praise God! I'm so excited... that it's finally over, that i dont have this burden on my shoulders! I can drive! haha... (i was so excited i almost posted it with all my information on there!!! but thankfully remembered in time to smudge it all)

in the midst of all my exams.. all I can say is...
"Oh Lord, how you bless me!"
I know i've done so many things wrong... i've been stressed and angry and mad and sad and well... in all my "despiteness" God, is still God. How blessed am I, that I am not the one in charge? I'd wreck my entire life just the way i've wrecked... well... just the way i've wrecked my relationships with some and stuff.

By the way? I know I'm not supposed to email till after my exam is over... but I want to say sorry first. I truly dont understand what is going on, but I think it's the not understanding that is my fault... so yeah. I can't make everything better, but I will be praying for you and your finals, and hopefully that everything will be perfected in God's timing.

2005-04-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

jireh and I

2005-04-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

gosh... i'm angry... haha.. maybe i need to go for some of the anger management classes that I work with at my practicum site. I think i've handled them pretty well though.

I'm angry that my teachers don't seem to care about how much load their students can take without breaking down and have their brains fried. I mean literally fried. It's ridiculous and I know it, but it's my what.. hundred thousand dollar education and I have to accept that God is bigger than their assignments and finals.

I'm really sad. I guess i should have known better... and not tried to care for everyone and probably end up hurting everyone instead. But... my intentions were miscontrued.. and gosh. that's just not fair! I dunno.. i guess i feel that i spent all the time, effort, money and everything... to show someone I cared... not to get whacked for the.. ARGH!!! ok.. i'm stressed and defensive and it probably isn't a big deal. What i cant figure out is... does she really think i'm that callous? or is it just her self-esteem. Neither is really a good answer...

okie.. sorry for that. =) haha. am i ok i guess i wil be in about 4 dyas when this craziness is over and I can just er... throw myself into another kinda of hecticness.

2005-04-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

been a while since i updated huh? haha... guess why?

good guess! it's finals next week... haha.. needless to say, i'm taxed, stress and desiring to simply sleep. I actually need to be doing alot of things, but am putting them off.

well. the countdown is what?
57 days to singapore,
31 days to end of school
9 days to finals

i know, counting down makes me happy.

I failed my driving test! argh

so so insane. I'm slightly bloated and emotional right now, i think i will go and hide under the covers till i'm ready to face the world.

you know? it's one of those weeks that a simple "i can't talk to you" can make me cry... or stupid things like forgetting to transfer money so that i'm running into deficit in my bank account, or not collecting my cheque, or not finishing my essay, or argh! stuff lah. well.. suffice to say that the tears come like *snap* haha. take it as a warning... this week, unless you love me a whole bunch, stay away. haha. not that any of you are anywhere near me anyway right?

2005-04-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

i'm much better now. =) Thanks for all the concern guys...

It;s been a crazy week.. especially for someone just recovering from the fever. But then again, it was cos of the fever that I had piled-up work and hence a busy busy busy week. Not to say that this week is not going to be busy. What on earth am I talking about?

Well, currently, I am putting off writing my 15 page paper. I have about 3 pages... well-written. and about a 1 1/2 pages of ramblings.. I am determined to write at least up to 7 pages tonight... and then tomorrow morning, another 2, afternoon another 5 and then finish off with another 2 at night, plus the checking.

this means I should not be here rambling away. But I am! heh. I shall put up pics soon... but I had a great weekend. Jireh, most wonderfullest JC friend that even existed. =P came down to visit me... and well, it was good. It wasn't "it was a blast!" good... it was "sigh, *smile*" good.. we talked alot... and still had more to say lah.. of course. but i mean... after not having seen her for two years... it did me alot of good to have her with me... to encourage me. She is such a blessing!

and more stuff lah. Darren (kor kor!) heh, came back to Tulsa for this weekend, and was absolutely great in taking us out... brought Eileen and I to the mall too. He's awesome lah. I mean... haha.. metrosexual maybe... but he's really nice about letting us shop, helping us get what we need... and despite the fact that he doesn;t talk much, i like being around him. He's that kinda of guy you can call and know that everything will be alright.

For that matter, so is Ronald. Maybe he's deprived of younger sisters.. but yeah. This weekend, he sacrificed Ling's apartment so that Jireh and I could spend the night there (she's not allowed to sleep in the dorms). And he was SO nice about it too... even sent us there himself.

Haha... yeah. God has been good to me lah. Maybe the reason why I am slacking right now. =P After getting through last week, I feel like there's nothing that can stop me. Tomorrow night, and possibly Tuesday morning, I might be desperately working on my paper. Argh. for now, I am mildly content to say "Thank You God".

You know? It's 2 more weeks to finals... which will be over in 3 days. So the official countdown goes.... 17 days to end of semester, 37 days to family holiday and 66 days to Singapore.
Well.. of course I will be immediately off to Malacca, then KL, then Sabah... before returning home for a longer period of time... but wow. I know to you guys it's a bunch of numbers, but to me, it means something more.

Knowing that the end is in sight. That there are no longer infinite days to be waiting. It really eases some of my burdens. You all know how much I miss home, miss my friends, miss my food, miss my church! yes.... heh. since I'm ranting, and raving. I might as well go ahead and miss away.

I miss...
breakfast in the morning with cherie: hearing good news, sharing good news, praising God.
worship on sunday: whether leading with Ivin, or standing next to Becks, singing away.
dtc and the great discussions we can get into when we are actually trying to learn
sunday lunches with hazel and the rest... tomyam or fish soup
sunday afternoons with hozea... just hanging out
saturday mornings and worship practices
BAY and the entirity of the afternoon being taken away
my cell girls and their sincerity, and their open-ness
Captain's ball
Dinner at night: hot and sweaty, but really great fellowship
stayover at becks' house: whether we talk all night, or we crash and fall asleep...
friday leader meetings.

and then more...
endless vcd watchings with my jie, with dark chocolate, fruits, bread and butter... and i-spy
reading books in the library
marine parade
watching movies and squirming at the horrible scenes
seeing cute things that i want to buy
eating peanut pancake... and waffle!!! argh...
milk tea, teh-c, teh-bing, green tea, chrysenthemum tea...
cycling under the stars
sitting on swings
early morning breakfasts alone at Blk 156

sigh. =) Well, i know that when i go home, there'll be things i miss here too... maybe not so much, but i cant say I wont miss the open skies, the squirrels... =)

2005-04-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

i hate fever

fever=miserable=alone in room=hot and cold=homework not getting done= sleeping alot= tired=achey=bored=frustrated=sad=bad=mad

bleah...

Eileen turning 21...

2005-04-01T19:14:00.000-08:00

eileen and me

me in the restaurant

elaine, yiling, eileen (try saying that fast!)

yay. back in my room!

lesson learnt

2005-03-30T11:32:00.000-08:00

I can't control my future
I can't decide my destiny
for goodness sake,
I can't even say what the weather will be tomorrow!

I can control one very important thing,
I can determine my choice.

and today, I choose to let what I can't control
fortify my faith instead of feeding my fear.

2005-03-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason,
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me
The way that You do,
I'm going to walk through this valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
That You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So if the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I cant hear You answer
My cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through,
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to.

A song that has kept me breathing when everything around me crumbles, a song I can sing with understanding because the valley is the present. But a song I can sing with joy, because there's a hope that He, is not through with me yet.

2005-03-27T15:32:00.000-08:00

haven't updated in a long while... it's been strange. It's hectic, but slow-going. Maybe all the hectic activity is inside my head. I have SO much work to do, and yet it is being done... God is amazing... that's all I can testify to. Because when i think about it carefully... I'm still sitting here, wishing I could be something else, yet the work is getting done.

I'm starting to LOVE weekends. They never used to be any different for me... I'd work through them just as if they were school days without school. It's not like I don't do that now.. i just work through them and take long breaks in between, to nap, read, chat and stuff.

things to get done (so I can see it)
Research Paper on Physical Environment with Presentation (by 5 April)
Evaluation Paper for Group Dynamics (by 5 April)
Aesthetics Paper on Christianity and Art (by 11 April)
Response Paper for HUM 350 (by 15 April)
Policy Analysis Paper (by 15 April?)

So yeah.. those are the major papers. For most of the classes, there's only going to be the final left (yay!)... so now it's just plodding through slowly... because I mean, I have school in between now and those dealines, which make them so much closer! don't you think.

Taking time in between though. I'm struck by something. I can't imagine, the emotions of God... when He takes me into His arms. I've walked away, ran away... sometimes even tripped and fell away... and yet, again and again, though He sees me for who I am. Empty, weak, sinful and poor... He takes me back. That's the wonder of it all, he didn't just sacrifice His blood... He sacrificed his dignity... It was not just physical pain... which was hellish, I'm sure... but it was emotional. It was willingly being mocked and ridiculed for choosing to love me. Now after all that, can I still turn my head away? I can't.

AMAZING!

2005-03-20T20:45:00.000-08:00

Amazing Love
I'm forgiven because You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
And I'm alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing Love
How can it be
That You, my King would die for me
Amazing Love
I know it's true
And it's my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You.

I think... I think I take being alive and well for granted. But truly being alive isn't about existing, it's about existing with meaning. That's what sets life apart from non-life. I know I can be passionate about alot of things, and some of them seem like godly ambitions, and some of them secular. But it's what i'm passionate about that makes me live. I am passionate about God... but i'm passionate about Singapore, about relationships, about helping, about art... but my purpose? I guess it's to honor God. Can I do it? I hope so... but not by my own willpower. By my own strength, i'd be lying in my bed failing again and again. I'd be cranky, snap at loved ones, have nervous breakdowns, walk around in a daze and never seem to kick the guilt feeling and find peace. But with God, it has already been done. He died, to give me life, not an existence... but a purposeful life. It has been done.

Is is really my joy to honor Him. To be honest, that takes time. I can't say that I don't enjoy serving God... I do, I love ministering... but it's not just about being in church with people I love and can pour out into. It's more. Honoring God with joy means sitting in Tulsa with joy, it means studying with joy, it means talking to my parents with joy, it means connecting with my friends with joy, it means living out my responsibilities with joy... maybe it even means missing home with joy. Lately... that's not been happening! BUT! I'm claiming my joy back, i'm leaning on Him. I want to be able to be real about the joy inside of me.. it's welling up!

I'm holding nothing back
I give you every part
My soul has been released
Your love has captured my heart...

2005-03-18T20:02:00.000-08:00

sigh. he called after all... just when i was about to sleep

2005-03-18T17:57:00.000-08:00

it's the end!!!
I can't believe my spring break is over. I haven't done much... not enough to consider it a productive break. It was however, a very restful one. I should say slack.

Am I an extrovert? I think I may get a certain kind of energy from being with people. That hyper happy cheery alls-good feeling. But when i'm alone, I think I'm happy too. It's a more de-motivating motivation energy. haha... like i get more energy to do nothing. for me... doing nothing requires alot of energy. I dunno. I like being buried in my room, i like talking to only a couple of people, i like that nobody is affected by what I do.. to an extent. back home, everything is different.

oh well. I'm going back to enjoy my buried-ness. call me out if you dare.

Oh.. so strange... Braden called me today. He's a friend, an ex-ORU fellow.. used to be in like my class.. but i honestly am not very close to him? But yeah.. kinda was closer to him than any other of the fellows.. but right now, he's back in Kansas studying Art, and I dont ever talk to him muchk except when he calls, for fun! He called me to tell me when he'd be visiting ORU... and whether I'd be free to hang out. He's just weird.

Haha.. i so rarely get calls from guys that it always freaks me out. Still does. Even when Dr. Halsmer returned my call about work, I was like "Who is this??". ha. I rarely get calls... that's fine. I've grown out of talking on the phone every night. I remember like 8 years ago.. haha... talking on the phone through the night was the "must-do"... now, i get sleepy, and i put down the phone.

Heh. I'm glad Braden did not call me back like he said he would, even after I told him "er... you don't have to call me back". haha...

2005-03-11T16:00:00.000-08:00

break
rest
sleep
hibernation
solitude
isolate
bury
break

finally

2005-03-10T09:38:00.000-08:00

i was thinking about...
i was going to...
i was just about to...
i was meaning to...
i wanted to...

is not the same as
"i did"

sigh.

backing off

2005-03-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

"Have it your way!" thrown in the face of someone you love could mean frustration, anger and hopelessness. "Have it your way" said with willing hands and a willing heart, means something very different.

I think this morning, i started two fights. I started one between myself and Reason, and I started one between myself and someone I love.

My fight with reason, did not last long.
"Reason? why is it that you are not on my side"
"Why should i be!"
"Why not!!! I make... i have a right to all these things... a right... right?"
"Well... no."
"Well, I don't need you to be on my side. I can do whatever I want... after all, I am a child of God... a princess! Am I not deserving of better?"
"haha... well you a princess? Now that's unreasonable... but you are right. You are a child a God. He doesn't need me on His side... He has his own principles. But you, young lady... you aren't abiding by His either!"
"oh... well I am going to now. *sticks my tongue out at him* I guess I'll do what is right, instead of what I think I will give me what I deserve. but no thanks to you!"
*I toss my head and walk off, leaving reason with his mouth hanging wide open* I think God and him had a deal today...

The second fight... that lasted a bit longer. Because doing what was right in God's sight meant I had to be humble, it meant I would not get what I wanted, it meant I had to let it go. "Have it your way..." I mumbled to God... and reluctantly, I withdrew from my fight. I stepped back, and then forward, this time, armed with gentle encouragement and love instead of hurtful and accusatory words. I guess that fight ended.

This is not to say I am entirely happy with what I did. What I started out with this morning, cannot be erased... it's still there, and even if I do my QT at 4:30am, before I meet anyone else... it's still there. In my heart, I always want my way. And God's way.. at least today, was not my way till me and Reason, we had that little chat...

I figure me not making things hard was good. At least I knew was not cutting down and destroying. Did what I needed, which I thought I deserved, ever get to me? Er... yes, but not in that way. To say the truth, I still want something... but I guess I'll keep giving God His way, and maybe... He'll give me the desires of my heart?

eh! look here hor!

2005-03-03T17:33:00.000-08:00

haha.. for my fellow singaporeans

SINGLISH

enjoy.

finally....

2005-02-26T05:54:00.000-08:00

pictures of DC!

You Cover Me

2005-02-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

Your grace is like blanket
keep me warm

You watch my back
push me out of danger

You lid me tight
I don't grow stale and jaded

You place a veil
I remain pure, a mystery

You write a prose
I am my story

You shelter me
I am safe and secure

I was going to write a blog to rant about my 4am day, rather, I am struck by God's covering on my life.

BACK!

2005-02-20T04:34:00.000-08:00

i'm home. now tired and stressed and lots of work to do.

BUT. i had a great time. loved the capital. =)

2005-02-13T11:01:00.000-08:00

off to Washington DC!

yup, i'm taking a week off classes (administratively excused!) to go to the capital of USA to attend the David Barton Leadership Conference. It's actually a conference for government and history majors, but I can take this trip for HUM 350 and then substitute it for HUM 111 or 112. Works out good for me, even though i am slightly concerned about missing all my classes, especially since i will have 2 tests that I have to take the following monday, and then 2 major major papers in the next week, not to mention a plethora of other activities.

it'd be fun though. i'll take lotsa pics and post them when i'm back. =)

Father Healer

2005-02-10T22:18:00.000-08:00

i have alot on my heart tonight... so bear with me as I tell my tale. Believe me, share with me... be encouraged.. that God is GOD!!! and I are mere man.

On Monday night, at leader's prayer meeting (for the wing), Amanda (Chaplain) shared that she was going to share with the girls about first being a child of God, before anything else. God laid upon my heart to share the song "Precious Child" by Vineyard, a song that I have kept in my heart since Australia. I however, anticipated being stressed and having a math test and homework due, as well as papers... and I refused to act. I never told Amanda or anything. About 20 minutes before devos, the burden grew stronger. I hadn't been able to do much math and I was stressed out. But somethind in me cried out to be obedient. So I went and told Amanda. God was there, because Mandy who was originally playing pulled out at the last minute due to studies, and Amanda was about to ask me. So first *whoa*.

But I was not there just for the song. Throughout the devos, Johanna had complained of this pain in her neck that was getting to her back. She was struggling to sit properly the entire devos, and I sensed her discomfort. I was so anxious to pray for her. Well, Amanda, Charlene, Tamika and I laid hands on her and just prayed. I remember what I prayed... and I remember what Amanda was saying.... and I remember kneeling behind Johanna, my hand on her back calling "Jesus". After she got up, she started to yell becuase the intense pain had gone. It's not completely healed, we are still praying. That sounded to me like one of those healing rally stories my school excels in, on TV, in magazines, books... not in Amanda's room. But I knew?... while i was praying, i felt her healed. It was just that. a deep sense within.

What am I saying? God is loving and He is powerful. Not only to love us as children, but to love us enough to push us when we don't do whats right, heal us when we hurt, teach us to trust Him and let us know that He is around.

I'm full of fear for God. I dont think I understood that till now. Inside me, there's a deep trembling. Thank you God for giving me as many pushed as I needed to make me be there, thank you God that we could pray for Johanna, thank You God that You moved mightily. I'm alive, and God's alive. and He lives in me today!

God is so awesome. I know. Whoa!!!

now i shall rest in his presence as I sleep for a couple of hours before hitting the pythagorean triples and all. God... who heals, who calls... =) thankfully can impart wisdom and intelligence too!

新年快乐

2005-02-08T05:28:00.000-08:00

whoa. spend the wee hours of the morning calling up my relatives in KL and singapore., in between, i woke up my poor darling jie to go and call the fam too!

sigh. i'm not say upset about calling them. i have a test today... so i am up studying... and i'm eating and drinking coffee to stay awake... but the compounded lack of sleep is getting to me.

anyway... off topic already. just wanted to say that i wish i could be in SOME home for CNY, Singapore or KL... just with some people that love me, that i love... and enjoy family for once. Those who are with family, relish it. You never know when you may come to appreciate those cheek-pinching aunties, or uncles who ask the oh-so-important question (are you attached? where's you girlfriend?) (haha.. that was especially for Kel...) and the noisy cousins.. some which you get along with, and others that you don't/

be grateful.. haha. really!!!

he's coming back... ready?

2005-02-06T10:48:00.000-08:00

for the last two weeks, i've been attending service at VCC, next to my school. Pastor Billy Joe has been talking about the end times... I wonder how many of us out there have been thinking about the very same thing.

Jesus is coming soon. It will always be like that, till the day He comes. Time to him, is not fixed like ours. Instead of trying to predict when He's coming, we should be ready to go now. I should... but am I?

I know i'm where i'm supposed to be. God will find me here, he will recognise me. am I worthy to be raptured? that's tough. I hope so. I hope i've obeyed him enough, kept pursuing Him and righteousness... and deserve that, and the crown and the throne room! but will i have regrets? YES. plenty. things that i wish i had said or done, and people i wish i could have said or done more for.

God, forgive me. For not being selfless enough.

I guess i wont know when He's coming, i know i don't. All i can do now is work out my salvation with fear and trembling. Be prepared to be judged. Know that i did everything out of a love for Him, and a desire to obey Him. Be ready to face Him, to thank him for all the sins that He will not hold against me, and be ready to receive a judgement call. I want to be a sheep, not a goat.

there's mroe to be done. way more. but i can start here. by sharing and praying... and being where God wants me to be till He moves me to someplace else.

I still have hopes and dreams. plenty. But that's ok. God didn't ask us to not to hope for the future, just not to put off what is better done today, for tomorrow.

flipping over

2005-02-05T06:13:00.000-08:00

i'm handing in the reins
bouncing the ball in your court
letting you take the lead
washing my hands clean
passing the buck over
giving you the keys

release

2005-02-02T20:59:00.000-08:00

i've been swamped by Godly principles. good thing too. only that i have too many thoughts to concisely put it for everyone. I just want to say... (this just happens to be the last thought of my day)

i always want to be wanted, to be chased, to be needed, to be pursued. you didn't do that for me. but he's been after me for so long.

i always hope you appreciate me, enjoy me, be pleased with me. you don't give me the kind of approval i'm always looking for. but i am his delight!

i always want to be respected, treated well, loved and cared for. you always say you tried. but he's given it to me time and time again.

and thats the difference between me, you and him. Good thing is that i'm just as flawed as you are.... and he's just the exact opposite.

a human fails a human's expectations, a human does not attain a human's hopes. Only he can.

i wonder why when i can sit back and think about how demanding i am, how he can still love me. see the goodness in me. where is my goodness? my goodness resides in him... and he resides in me. isn't that awesome? that when he sees me, he sees me... but he sees himself too.

*ok... see what i mean by i'm thinking too much... good for me though. to meditate on his law and word day and night*

2005-02-01T04:52:00.000-08:00

uplift me Father, i surrender
i cant hold on, i cant keep repeating my troubles
deliver me somehow
give me music, give me my new song
i want to sing again
God, You have never failed me
in You alone, i will find strength
life, full of hope, joy, peace and
love.
Father God, save me.

I'm saying a prayer. i had a long qt this morning, which is good... making up for my 10 mins ones wehre i'm super sleepy and all. I guess the key is not to do my qt when i'm sleepy. sometimes i feel like i have no choice... but i do. I can choose to wake up.

my important choice for today is:
I choose to trust Him. I need Him to rescue me from who i am. cos sometimes, i feel like i'm digging my own grave. like when i've slept 4 hours, have a quiz, 2 meetings tonight, and want to jog, study, play and breathe. and stop eating. But i trust, that somehow, God will get through my thick-headed skull... and work things out for me.

pretty winter

2005-02-01T04:49:00.000-08:00

a wintry morn

same morning as below. took this with eileen's camera on our way out to the cafeteria. nice right? would have gotten a really nice shot of myself in the chair looking and contemplating, but it was weat and had snow. so that was a no-go.
Yes, it only snowed once here.... and I'm grateful. though it snowed, and the weather was warm and it melted. and then it melted, and the weather is COLD again.

winter snow

2005-01-29T17:53:00.001-08:00

snow

and more...

not very clear pics... it was beauttiful! unfortunately, ling borrowed my camera, and so i had to use my webcam... which well... =P oh well... you get the idea. It was nice... snowy but not freezing cold. Sad thing is that it's all melted. sigh....

2005-01-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

sleepy.

yup, my room is packed and cleaned. my files are organised, my list of homework to do is written. I think before i set out to accomplish everything, i will take a break

i will probably sleep... and be up in an hour or so.